By John Valentik, MS, CSCS, NASM-PES, CES

This week’s blog is a little different. Rather than sharing something new, I wanted to revisit an article I wrote that was published earlier this month in the Helping Hands column for the CDT.

“What Do You Do When Life Doesn’t Go as Planned?” reflects on some of the most difficult experiences of my life and the lessons I’ve learned about grief, gratitude, support, and finding purpose when life takes an unexpected turn.

I hope you’ll find something meaningful in it!

On March 31st, 2020 I lost my stepfather to cancer in the heart of a Covid lockdown. Five months later, I lost my father to suicide on August 25th, 2020. Losing both of my dads in such a short period, with my father’s loss being both abrupt and devastating, taught me a lot about what to do, and not do, when life doesn’t go as planned.

Beginning with what not to do, after I lost my father my alcohol consumption increased. I tried to numb the pain of losing someone who had been my best friend my entire life. I also tried to keep myself so busy that either my mind wouldn’t have an opportunity to think about it, or I would be so tired at the end of the day that my body would have no choice but to sleep. To my credit, I identified that I needed professional help. To my ‘fix it mentality’ fault, I jumped into one-on-one and group therapy within two weeks. This had me journaling, meditating, talking to loved ones, and pouring my heart out in two separate therapy settings because I felt broken and needed to be repaired. More is better right?

While those efforts were well-intentioned, I gradually found more clarity as I navigated grief, healing, and the search for hope. First, more isn’t always better. I realized two different therapy settings in addition to my other efforts were too much. I discontinued group therapy until a later date. I leaned on the people closest to me, including my wife, Paige, and a few of my closest friends and mentors. Sometimes this meant venting, asking for advice, or simply having them near me.

Journaling led me to one concept that has profoundly changed my life: gratitude. This included being thankful for Paige and my friends, but just as importantly, for the relationships I was able to have with both of my dads for over 30 years.

Being an educator also helped me reconnect with my purpose and what lights a fire under me. I’ve always found it so meaningful to direct my energy in a way that may inspire others, even when I was hurting. Slowly, the flame that had been smoldering since losing my dads began to reignite. 

When life doesn’t go according to plan, don’t overcomplicate it. Go back to the basics. Each day and week that I consistently leaned on my supports, practiced gratitude, and followed my purpose, the darkness surrounding 2020 slowly began to give way to light. So much light that in 2021 we welcomed our first child, Charlotte Grace Valentik.